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Posted by / 18-Jan-2016 13:54

Not at your Third Street Starbucks, though, as I am banned from that one for 30 days. Or maybe we do, and then we get married and move slightly out of town to some place where people of modest means can get a pretty big yard, and we get a goat, but the fucking thing is too loud and keeps chewing through the fence- they are surprisingly clever animals. But point being the goat keeps getting out and getting into the neighbor’s yard and eating his heirloom tomatoes or whateverthefuck- maybe we laugh at this.Your absurd statutes regarding proper use of rest rooms are incomprehensible to me.16) Not gonna lie, I found you a little intimidating. Maybe this discord with our neighbors only brings us closer together, like, us against the world. I don’t have a fuckin crystal ball.20) You remind me of that scene in Robocop where they’re showing the prototype robot to the corporate board and it goes nuts and cuts the guy from West Wing in half with a machine gun. You are not just a normal bullshit wizard, either; you are the one extremely special wizard with a crooked eyebrow or something who is prophesied to save the world of wizarding from another, also much-ballyhooed, slightly less special but evil wizard.” You would have to do it in the voice of the Guild Navigator or whateverthefuck that thing was.26) Cilantro fucking blows, dude. You have a burrito or something made of savory elements like beans and cheese that kind of melt together harmoniously, all warm, and then in the middle of that suddenly you bite through a cold pile of vaguely poisonous-tasting lawn clippings. It was a SCAM designed to force you to subscribe to Nintendo Power™, or cozy up to the one smug fucking kid in your poor bullshit town whose parents had enough largesse to lay out for not only a state of the art Nintendo Entertainment System™ but also The Legend of Zelda™, which if you’ll recall was at least ten dollars more than an ordinary Nintendo cartridge, purportedly because it was the first game where you could save, and about a hundred bucks for that stupid fucking magazine so you could figure out the ONE bush out of thousands that actually has the staircase under it or whateverthefuck. Dipthyneria, thank the gods you are here because tonight is the night the evil wizard has arisen, and his attack on Sylestria has begun.The rest of us had to painstakingly walk around like a dick randomly burning bush after bush on screen after screen, in a perfect metaphor for the drudgery that would become the rest of our lives. Dragons and griffins and cockatrices are dive bombing and climbing the walls and legions of cruel sorcerors conjure lightning and flames. The greatest power comes from the humblest of us and etc., and as the evil wizard whose name is a really obvious quasi-pun like the type used by George Lucas rises a mile tall in his hideous demonic form to strike the castle with his fist that looks all trippy like aurora borealis and suddenly the voice of your true mother is in your heart and your eyes blast open with lasers and sparks and flames and the evil wizard has a brief “what the fuck” pout before imploding, loudly, into blackness.We’ve chosen 19 of the best Tinder openers that (a) put a smile on our face, (b) made us LOL (in a good way) and (c) didn’t make us vomit. That fucking kid also had the Power Glove™ too, probably, and that stupid exercise pad that you ended up just crouching over and pounding really fast with your hands. But what can I do, you ask– I’m just an ordinary woman! The wizards cheer until one sees you collapsing; they rush to your side but the world is fading before your eyes and your last breath leaves your lips with the name of some prior plot element, and there is an overlong pause, sad music…

You’re a handsome young woman and obviously you’ve accomplished a lot in your short life. Maybe not, maybe you never wanted to get it in the first place, maybe you never wanted to move to the suburbs, maybe you secretly blame me for everything moving too fast and now you’re stuck here out in Calabasas or something and now you’re like 33 and if you leave me you’ll never have biological children, but if you stay with me you don’t know how you can stand even one more fucking second in this house in the middle of nowhere and separating the bank accounts is going to be such a god damned pain in the ass, and the goat isn’t cute anymore, it was a stupid idea, and it has an expected life span of like 35 more years but any place you give it away to might use it for meat and that would pretty much be unconscionable. That’s what it’s going to be like with you and me in like four years. And like, the big evil corporate guy is like “somebody clean this up for Christ’s sake.” Both you and that scene are fucking awesome.22) Some day, man… The breakdown in wizard specialness goes: all other wizards Come with me, I will say, and outside is parked a pegasus. the one for you has been customized with an awesome panel airbrushed on the side; I would say a chick with big tits in a chainmail bikini waving a spear on top of a polar bear but that’s probably not the kind of shit you would like.

But there’s also something accessible and human that comes through. you and me get some acreage and just a fuckton of goats. This is why I need to get to know you better, you know.

9) You and me are gonna have houses, cars, servants (username).

We’re gonna have so many yachts we’ll begin calling them merely “boats” to differentiate ourselves from the nouveaux riches who gauchely call them “yachts.” How about it.14) My name is Sexxxo Pornographicus, Galactic Overlord of Schlaungg, and I am here to crush the Earth. I have mastered your Earth courtship process and have come to conquer all ripe breeding vessels in your “Los Angeles County.” We will meet in a well-lit public place for one of your pathetic caffeinated beverages, at which point my reverse engineered Earth pheromones will overpower any puny resistance you may have and mating will begin.

Just a metric buttload of goats all over the place. But I would have done my best to outfit the pegasus according to your imagined tastes. Say what you will about his political beliefs, the man understood majesty.

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Crafty little buggers, you know; you have to stay on top of it because they’ll figure out how to unlatch the fence with their tongue and get into the neighbors melon patch and create strife. I will not be outsmarted by a fuckin ungulate.23) So let me pitch you an idea. We mount our otherworldy steeds and sail effortlessly and powerfully into the moonlight. If you ask me what the music is I answer you, making sure to say “Rick-Hard” in a real German-sounding way, like Udo Kier. We ride on into the night and suddenly after a cloudbank the landscape below is like none you’ve ever seen before.

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